The Neverending Story, And Then Some.

       I decided to write down my sleep experiences with Scarlett. I know that every baby is different, but I want to let myself and others know that there is hope and an end to the bleak, sleepless months. For about the first two months of her life, Scarlett would wake up to eat every two to three hours. In the beginning, nursing took anywhere from 30-45 minutes, so I was awake for almost an hour at a time every one to two hours in the night. This started to take its toll, but occasionally, she would sleep a random four to seven hour stretch, and I patted myself on the back for having made a good sleeper. Ignorance is bliss. They say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but she was hardly sleeping at all during the day. She was content, but always awake. I anticipated a sleepless newborn phase, but I assumed it would increasingly get better. Guess again. 

       Starting when she was two months, it would take me about two hours to get her to sleep at night. She would fall asleep within minutes, but the moment I would lay her down, she would wake up hysterical and betrayed. I felt like she was too little to let her cry it out, and I knew she was tired because she was falling asleep so easily, so for two hours every night, I would rock her and nurse her and sway with her. The longer I held her, the deeper the sleep she would enter, and the less likely she would wake up when I laid her down. So I would stand there and count my sways, 600 to 1000 counts at a time was typical. I read that at four months old they are old enough to start sleep training. I didn't want to spend two hours counting her to sleep anymore, so after nursing her, if she woke up when I laid her down, I would let her cry. The first few nights I would go in and comfort her after three minutes, then five, then ten, etc.; but eventually I just sat in the bathroom with earplugs and the fan on until after one hour, she finally fell asleep on her own. It feels like torture letting your little love cry, but as my sister says, "this isn't about love, this is about sleep." The next night she only cried for 20 minutes, then if I remember right, she really didn't go down with a fight after that. I had my first taste of success. 

       The problem still was how frequently she was waking up during the night. She was going to bed at around 9 or 10, sleeping till midnight, and then waking up literally every hour after that. By this point, nursing only took about 15 minutes, so I was getting roughly 45 minutes of sleep at a time. I remember spending from 3am to 10am sleeping with her on the couch and switching boobs every hour so I could get some sleep. The books will say that's a no-no, but I say do what works for you or you will die. Meanwhile, she was only taking 30 minute naps during the day and wanting to nurse every one to two hours, no matter what I did. I remember nursing her 18 times in a 24 hour period. This is a phase of her life I remember least. We didn't leave the apartment much, but can you blame me? I felt nauseated with fatigue every second. People would ask me what I did all day, and I didn't know how to answer them. I sometimes felt lazy and guilty for not managing my time well because I had nothing to show for my day, not even a rested baby. I realize now that I was doing just fine--perfect even, given my circumstances. I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I read the books, I followed the rules, but my baby was just a bad sleeper and a frequent eater. I guess I could have forced her to sleep in her crib during her naps, but I was so tired from the night before that I would do anything to keep her asleep during the day. She would sleep twice as long when I held her and I figured more sleep in my arms was better than less sleep in her crib, so I just held her and nursed her all day long. And that is when I started and finished the series Lost. 

       I decided I would worry about the location of her naps after I figured out how to manage her nights. I read that an earlier bedtime often cures nighttime wakings, so I slowly started putting her to bed earlier and earlier. She was still waking up every hour after midnight, but she was sleeping longer stretches before midnight, so I counted it a success. One problem with sleep training is you have entire days between tries. Sometimes It takes several days to see any progress and weeks to see if you just need to try something else. And then there is almost always a few relapse days where you feel like everything you have been working toward has been undone (e.g. when she would get a cold, or get her shots). It's the ultimate trial of patience. Eventually, she started begging to go to bed at 6 and if I didn't let her get over-tired, she would fall asleep quickly and stay asleep for several hours. From about five to seven months old we lived with this routine: bedtime at 6, feeding at 12, feeding at 3, and then up for the day at 5. She would then take three half-hour naps a day, which I eventually transitioned from my arms to the crib, and then bedtime at 6 again. This was better than before, but it was still pretty miserable. Unfortunately, I wasn't going to bed till after 11 because I honestly couldn't get to sleep any sooner. Occasionally I would crash at around 8, but most nights, I would lay awake till 11. I don't know if it was too much pillow talk with Jordan (our only real time together) or being overtired myself and unable to settle down. Sometimes it was my own fault; I would get a burst of motivation at night and get the things done I didn't have the energy (or the hands) for during the day. Sometimes I simply dreaded going to bed because it was easier to stay awake than it was to be mercilessly pulled out of a deep sleep all night. For months, I was getting five to six hours of interrupted sleep, with the longest stretch being three hours max. I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I could handle getting up all night OR waking up early OR having a short napper, but not all three. For a long time I tried getting her to sleep in a little later, even just until 6am, but it always backfired. Every time I tried putting her to bed later, she would wake up earlier. One morning she was up for the day at 4:30, and there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and much shaking of the fist toward the heavens. 

       A little after turning seven months old, she started waking more frequently again until we were back to waking every hour all night. On top of that, she again started waking up every time I put her down (at night and for naps). That's when I was finally ready to sleep-train cold turkey. I let her cry it out all night, through every midnight waking. The first night, I seriously put her to bed, put in my ear plugs, and went to bed myself. All night I would hear muffled cries through my ear plugs, but I was strong and determined. Normally, my thoughts would churn as she wailed and I would panic and rush in to make sure she wasn't tangled up in her blanket or in some life-threatening position; but this particular night, I knew it was right. I honestly don't know how many times she cried or for how long, but she was putting herself to sleep and it wasn't killing her OR me. She even slept in until 6:30 and her morning nap was a glorious hour and a half! The next night, she went to bed at 7, had a feeding at 3, and then woke up for the day at 7. BLISS. She then took 3 one-hour naps that day and it has been that way ever since. I don't know how it happened; I can only thank God. I have heard that sleep begets sleep. When she sleeps well at night, she sleeps better during the day, and when she sleeps well during the day, she has a great night. I guess the timing was right this time; we just needed one successful night to start the chain reaction. We had a couple relapse days, but I ignored her, knowing she could soothe herself and she did. Every day and night are a little different, but we are both getting so much more sleep. She is much more playful, less wary of strangers, less clingy, and more spunky. I am also back to my chipper self and it's amazing how much more I can accomplish.  Most importantly, I get to watch my little girl grow through rested eyes and we both have the energy to enjoy each other.  

{UPDATE 10.12.12: Shortly after writing this post, her sleep habits changed again. She started sleeping from 7 to 5 straight with a 3am waking a few times a week. She started consistently having two naps a day: an hour and 20 minute one in the morning and a 30 minute afternoon one. Sometimes she would switch it up, and of course teething and illness always changed/ruined everything, but that became the norm from about 8 to 11 months old. From 11 months till now (12.5 months), she started waking up around 4 to 5am and then going back to sleep till 6:30 or 7. This has been fantastic, but she gave up her morning nap (I think maybe the "sleeping in" replaced it) and now only takes a 45 minute afternoon nap. I tried for a week to eliminate the early morning feeding, but she screamed her voice away from 5 to 6 every morning and she wasn't getting the hint, so we let it be. As I wean her, that will go away. Obviously, I helped her become a better sleeper than she was, but she still struggles. I hear about babies who sleep in till 8 and take 2 or 3 hour naps, and I have finally learned that that will never be Scarlett. She's a doer, not a sleeper, but that's what makes her so observant and smart and funny and wonderful.}

Okay, now that THAT is over...

Here are Scarlett's BFFs. 

We will call this little man, G. 

I'm sad this picture is fuzzy because it's so dang cute. 

Scar and G are betrothed. We just love him.

This is Scarlett's other best friend, A. 

They were born on the exact same day, in the same hospital only a couple hours apart. 

They get excited to see each other and grab each other's faces. 

This baby also has way cooler toys than us which will probably be the case for the next seven years.

And this is us on my first Mother's Day. 

Who wants to look at the camera when there is a necklace to be had? 

And yes, my hair is still orange.