I'm coming back.

Where was I you ask?

In a slump.

I have just felt icky and sad all the time.

I have been comparing myself to other people--

people I should not feel intimidated by or jealous

of because they are my good friends.

I have been trapped by my own lack of

discipline and motivation.

I do not have time to waste,

but I have been successfully wasting it.

I have been in a spiritual plateau

where I feel like I am not

growing or learning and just checking the boxes.

I have been paralyzed by my all-or-nothing

personality where I can't start any task

for fear of not finishing it or failing.

I have been feeling this way for a

very very long time.

Consequences of these feelings have spilled over

into all aspects of my life.

I have been impatient and judgmental

and intolerant of others,

which is not like me.

Some moments have been better

and others worse,

but for the most part,

I have not been in a good place.

I have been kicking myself because I have so much to be happy about. I have the PERFECT HUSBAND. I am having a BABY! I am GRADUATING from college next month. I am living a charmed life. In fact, I wasted a lot of my childhood waiting and dreaming about what it would be like to be married and have a baby and now I am missing the very moments I so impatiently waited for. I have been struggling and trying to figure out what is wrong, what I can change. But when I think of things to do--like exercising, scripture study, more fervent prayers, consistent temple attendance, magnifying my calling, journal writing, and the list goes on--I get overwhelmed and then I don't do anything at all. I know that I should just pick one thing to work on. I know that in my mind, but in order to do that, I have to change my personality. I have been good at doing all of these things before, so why can't I just start doing them all again now?

I talked to my religion professor about this at the end of last semester. He gave me some incredible insight that I have been thinking about ever since. He talked about how we have 1,000 lbs. of air pressure on us all the time (he said the math or amount was not right, but the idea was all that mattered). If we were to empty a water bottle, the bottle would logically be crushed under all the pressure. Amazingly, it isn't crushed because air flows into the bottle, replacing the water, and pushes back on the external pressure with the same force. He told me that we cannot take away the pressure that is on us all the time. We say to ourselves, "I will be happy when I graduate" or "I will be less stressed when I am married" or "I will be happier when I have a baby or get a new job," but when those pressures are taken away, they are replaced by others. We cannot escape them. All we can do is make sure that we do not crumble under the pressure. If we fill ourselves with good things and push back with the same force, the pressures of life will be bearable and we wlll be able to enjoy the journey. My problem is that I want to fill myself with all these good things at the same time and then the all-or-nothing cycle continues, as does a cycle of hope and despair. He validated me and told me he was the same way. Then he told me something about President Boyd K. Packer. He is an extraordinary artist, but he does not have time to paint anymore. So whenever he has 15 minutes of free time, he goes into his garage and paints. Even if it is only for 15 minutes. Then when time is up, he goes about doing his apostolic duties. It takes him months or even years to finish paintings, but the point is, he finishes them. I do not have any paintings because I do not start any. Continuing with the same idea, David A. Bednar said:

"We will not attain a state of perfection in this life, but we can and should press forward with faith in Christ along the strait and narrow path and make steady progress toward our eternal destiny. The Lord’s pattern for spiritual development is “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little” (2 Nephi 28:30). Small, steady, incremental spiritual improvements are the steps the Lord would have us take. Preparing to walk guiltless before God is one of the primary purposes of mortality and the pursuit of a lifetime; it does not result from sporadic spurts of intense spiritual activity."

I am very guilty of "sporadic spurts of intense spiritual activity." I have the unique and wonderful gift of tenacity. When I am motivated, I will spend hours on a project and I won't stop until it is right. But then I suffer from burn out and I do not want to put that much effort into something for a long time. This includes spiritual things. I now know that I cannot change my all-or-nothing personality. Only the Savior can change my nature, but I had forgotten that. I feel the light on my back again, I feel like I am coming out of this slump, it is just a very slow process. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said that in order "to deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites" (You should read the whole talk. It'll empower you whether you need empowerment or not).

Now that I know all this, where am I going to begin? With prayer. Jordan and I have never missed a day of couple prayer or scripture reading since the day we got married (sometimes it is just one verse and sometimes we kneel in bed), but I have slowly replaced personal prayer and scripture study with our couple prayer and study. I am going to start my own little "Change of Heart Program" (my mom is queen of "programs" so I come by it honestly. If you are one of my sisters, you are probably laughing hysterically right now). If you need a spiritual pick me up, feel free to join me. I want the Spirit more abundantly in my life and I am ready to take it in bite-size pieces. I will move on to other things I need to work on (like my thank-you cards or unfinished sewing projects or my closets that need organized) once I feel like I have a stronger spiritual foundation. So for one week, I am going to make sure I am saying sincere morning and evening personal prayers. And if I forget or miss a day, it' s okay. I have not failed. I do not need to start over. Tomorrow is another day.