After All We Can Do

As I was putting her to bed tonight, Scarlett said, “At the end of every day I realize how many times I’ve screwed up.” I asked her to be specific and she said, “Like tonight I threw a fit when you said we didn't have enough time before bed to play another card game, and so then I thought, ‘OK from now on I will be good,’ and then I didn’t listen when it was time for prayer and I didn’t listen when it was time to get ready for bed and I just keeped not choosing the good side. It’s like every morning there’s a line in the middle of my head and I can choose the good side or the bad side and I keep choosing the bad side. Or like there are two worlds--a good world and a bad world--and Jesus is in the good world and I keep choosing the bad world.” I started crying and I told her I do the same thing and that all we can do every night is say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to forgive us for the mistakes we have made (which is what it means to repent), and then ask him to help us be better the next day. She cried, "I do that! But then I never have a perfect day!" I held her and promised that there is no such thing as a perfect day. She is going to make mistakes everyday and she is not going to get something done that she wanted to get done or she won't get to do something she wanted to do and she is going to be disappointed. To that she said, “I don’t care about that stuff. I just care about when I make a mistake.” And I told her that that is why we came to earth. Heavenly Father wanted us to learn to only choose the good side, but it takes our whole lives plus after we die to learn how to do that. Then she said she feels like she never chooses the good side and I promised her that she does. I explained that she makes way more good choices than bad choices, but for some reason it is a lot easier to remember bad stuff. She then talked about how every time she makes a mistake she feels like the day is ruined and she wishes she could start the day over. I empathized with that too and explained a little about perfectionism. We talked about how easy it is to desire to be perfect, but how hard it is in the moment to make good choices when our chests are so full of big emotions like anger. But again, all we can do is say sorry to each other and to God over and over and over again and God promises He will forgive us over and over and over again. All we have to do is ask and every time we ask, He can help us be a little better, but we can't be better all on our own.  I also tried to explain that when we make a mistake we aren’t suddenly living in the bad world. We are always in both places. We just try to make more good choices than bad choices.

As these words spilled out of my mouth and tears streamed down my face, I realized that my little six-year-old is carrying the same exact burden I carry everyday. She already feels the same weight of perfectionism and failure--the same desire to be so much better, only to be disappointed in herself. And of course I blamed myself. I made her this way, through my biology/nature, but also probably through nurturing it into her and expecting too much of her. But I was reminded of a conversation I had with my sister only yesterday about how it is The Plan for everyone to be where they are. Everything is orchestrated for our "profit and learning." Everyone is on their own journey and this is mine and she has hers and God is in all of it. He knows what combination of nature and nurture are going to refine each of us. We can't learn to only choose the good forever unless we are given a million chances to choose the bad, according to our own specific, God-given weaknesses. Because "the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other...[And God] gave commandment that all men must repent...And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden...And they would have had no children, wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin. But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:16-26)... For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do. (2 Nephi 25:23). And now behold, my brethren, since it has been all that we could do...to repent of all our sins...and to get God to take them away from our hearts, for it was all we could do to repent sufficiently before God that he would take away our stain (Alma 24:11). Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

"All we can do" does not mean having a perfect/mistake free day. "All we can do" does not mean checking all the spiritual or temporal boxes. "All we can do" has nothing to do with measuring up to cultural standards--religious or otherwise. "All we can do" is repent over and over again because that is ALL HE WANTS. Our own transgressions are as much apart of His plan for our growth as Adam and Eve's transgression was apart of theirs. We can do no good if we know no sin. And there is nothing we can offer or do perfectly that will help us change our own hearts. Our pride and stubborn belief that we can do it ourselves is so deeply rooted that we have to spend an entire lifetime humbly repenting. It isn't a lifetime of good choices that makes us good, it's a lifetime of humility. For we know that it is by grace we are saved after we humbly repent. Only then can He can take the temptation, the anger, the fear, the disappointment, the unmet expectation, the unrighteous desire, the weakness "away from our hearts."