Writing it Down.

I have been reading my journals recently. It strengthens me to read how far I have come. It is even more empowering to find wisdom that I have forgotten and read exactly what I need to hear presently. Some things embarrass me now; the musings of a teenager with such simple problems, but those problems were my reality, and everything is relative. I read about past loves and trials, joys and sorrows. I try to put myself back in that girl's shoes and breathe the life I have now into her. My sweet daughter is sleeping soundly in her crib and my husband is studying so hard and whispering to himself medical mumbo-jumbo. I want to remember these moments, but I need to write them down.

I have always been an inconsistent journal writer. It stems from that all-or-nothing trait I so frequently blame everything on. I would set goals to write in my journal everyday and when I would start missing days, perfectionism would torture me into thinking I had failed and there were now holes that I could never fill. I then set more realistic goals like writing once a week and that was easier to chew, but even that eventually stopped--I don't even know when. I have at least a dozen half-full journals because I wanted a new one to start over and be consistent with. I then tried a calendar journal, which was fantastic. I wrote in every square everyday for a year. I bullet-pointed the highlights and low points. The shortest, simplest phrases really captured my days and I am so grateful I have that. I haven't dared look at the date of my last entry in my most recent journal because I am afraid that feeling of failure will sink in and stomp on any determination to start again. Then I realized that I have been blogging for five years. The first couple years are on a different blog, and I only wrote every couple of weeks, but at least it's something. Because I didn't see blogging as journaling, there was no pressure. No holes, no failures. I wrote when I wanted, what I wanted. I am happy that I tricked myself into journaling through blogs, but now I want all of my thoughts together, in one place. Some of my journals are at home in my memory box, some are here in Missouri. Sometimes I had two journals at once, one for recalling the day's happenings and one for spiritual thoughts and prayers. I have this ache that is begging me to consolidate them and bring them together, but I don't really know where to begin. I know there are ways to have my blog printed into a book, but I don't really want to do it that way for some reason. Because I have several journals that are mostly empty, I kind of want to find a way to take the written pages out and condense them into fewer books and almost catalog them. Is there a way to unbind a book so I can rebind the pages chronologically and have them all together? Like a patchwork quilt of my thoughts, the deep and the shallow? It sounds like a big project, but I feel like I need to do it. I think it matters to me more now that I am a mother. I want Scarlett to know that hers was not the first heart broken and I want her to hear it from my 17-year-old self. I want my sons to at least be able to recognize the agonizing thought process of a girl. I want to leave my mark and legacy, but I want it to be organized {of course } I know there are some extremely crafty people out there and I would really like your input.