A Zion Marriage

I mentioned recently that I don't want to forget what I have learned these two years of being a Marriage and Family Studies major. Most importantly, I want to teach those I love about these incredible skills and principles. I love family science and the intricacies of family life. I wish I could take credit for what I am about to teach you, but everything I am about to present is adapted from the lectures of Dr. Mark Butler, a family therapist, a renowned researcher, and professor at BYU. This semester, my ward is uncharacteristically focused on Zion and forming a Zion marriage, so I am embedding into Dr. Butler’s theory my own ideas on how these concepts can help us bring Zion into our relationships.

The topics I am going to teach you are the marriage life cycle stages and the model of marital love. In the marriage life cycle, there are four stages. These stages correlate with three key events in the gospel: the Creation, the Fall, and Redemption. The first stage in the marriage life cycle is the visionary stage, which corresponds with the Creation. This is the Eden-like season of marriage where the couple creates a vision of their seemingly perfect future lives together. There is a desire to create a relationship that is separate from their families of origin and this allows the new and happy couple to create lasting memories of love and joy that they can hold onto during difficult times. It is innocent and naïve and seasoned couples often wink at this stage, but it is absolutely crucial for the couple to pass through. In the visionary stage, an ideal couple, or a Zion couple, would spend as much time as possible together, separating themselves from others as they cling to one another. This is the stage where a man or woman learns how to “cleave” unto each other as they are commanded to in Genesis 2:24. This is where they create happy experiences together, increasing their sense of security.

The second and third stages in the marriage life cycle correspond with the Fall. They are the adversarial and dormant stages. The adversarial stage is where the rose colored glasses are removed and each spouse sees the other for who they really are. This occurs when the couple feels secure in the relationship. In a Zion marriage, this is the phase where there is a willingness to learn and grow together. There is intimate expression of emotion and compromise. They acknowledge their differences and adjust to their imperfect partner. The Zion couple will seek the welfare of their spouse and be more willing to compromise. They will learn to disagree without being disagreeable and raise their differences with a spirit of love. This adversarial stage also has the potential to turn into heated disagreements full of contention as each spouse tries to change the other. Each partner feels a little betrayed and deceived by their spouse as the visionary stage ceases to exist. They do not realize that their spouse actually has not changed at all, but it is their perception of their spouse that has changed. As they leave the creation and remain in the Fall, the spouses move into the dormant stage where they resign themselves to their inadequate and unchangeable partner. The couple stops fighting, but they do not interact positively. They simply lead parallel lives. They begin to accept their partner, but begrudgingly. They begin to look inward at their own flaws, but out of desperation. This is when they start to rely on covenants and commitments to keep them strong, because sometimes their covenant is the only thing keeping them together. The stages in the Fall can be as detrimental or beneficial to the relationship as the couple allows them to be. The Zion couple in the dormant stage would be patient and long suffering. They would not simply tolerate their spouse, but they would focus on the redeeming virtues that their spouse possesses. They would be willing to connect instead of withdraw. They would rely on relationship enhancing rituals such as couple prayer and temple attendance.

The fourth and final stage in the marriage life cycle is the vital stage and it coincides with the gospel plan of Redemption. It is in this stage where the couple is awakened to benevolent acceptance and pure love. True selflessness, charity, regard for partner’s needs, and exact covenant commitment is made manifest. There is marital synchrony and the couple regularly regards the marriage relationship as the heartbeat of the eternal family. In comparison to the stages in the Fall, the couple genuinely enjoys their marriage and is excited and fearless about their eternal and endless union. There is already a Zion marriage in the vital stage. The couple simply has to reach it. It is in this stage where the couple has a rhythm and is in tune with one another.

Obviously, not all couples go through these stages at the same pace or have the same experiences. Realistically, couples do not leave one stage and enter the other completely. Couples gradually move in and out and through them. They can even be experiencing many stages at once or stuck in one at a time. It is even possible for one spouse to progress to the next stage while the other is left behind. Ideally, we agree that we would like to pass through the adversarial and dormant stages as quickly and painlessly as possible. Dr. Butler said this could be achieved the more Christlike we are. One way to love our spouses as Christ would is to familiarize ourselves with the model for marital love. The Greeks define love in many different ways; they don’t use one word to describe love. The ones we will learn coincide with our marriage life cycle. They are Eros, Philia, and Agape. Eros is biological in nature and focuses on physical attraction and passion, but is NOT synonymous with lust. It is often regarded as the “spark” or “chemistry” in a relationship. Eros finds its fulfillment in the experiences of pleasure and romance. You would find much Eros in the visionary or Creation stage. Eros is followed closely by Philia – meaning friendship love. It is social in nature and is anchored in compatibility. It can vary from conditional to unconditional love, but it can never slip completely into unconditional love. Friendship is founded upon shared interests and activities, therefore Philia is fulfilled in the social experience of affinity. It is this love that maintains the relationship in the Fall stage of marriage. The final form of marital love is Agape. It is spiritual in nature and allows for a fullness of joy. It is other-oriented, unlimited, and Godlike. It manifests itself as trustworthiness and produces secure attachment between spouses. The happiness of the other is of utmost importance. Agape finds gratification in the spiritual experience of joy. This is redemptive love—Christlike love.

I think it is safe to say that almost all of us have fallen into the blissful depths of the visionary stage at some point and felt that Eros love. It is hard to believe that we could ever see our partners in a negative light. To us they are flawless and wonderful. The world and our future are at our fingertips and the possibilities are endless. The future is bright and imminent hardships seem easy to overcome in the context of this seemingly perfect relationship. This is a quintessential attitude of those in the visionary stage of courtship and marriage. It is a happy place to be. All the different types of love are present in the visionary stage, but they are in a pyramid shape. Eros is the foundation and Agape is made manifest at times, but it resides in the small surface area of the pyramid’s tip. As we transition through different stages of the marriage life cycle, Agape starts to become the base of the pyramid of marital love and Eros is still present, but is no longer the guiding force.

Reflections of personal experiences have taught me the importance of that security formed in the visionary stage of the marriage life cycle. Sometimes long-term courtships follow the same stages as the marriage life cycle, but they don’t have the sense of security and commitment that stems from the marriage covenant. This often leads to the disintegration of the relationship. If a couple never has a visionary stage or leaves it before matrimony (which often happens to couples who live together before marriage), they begin their marriage on the unstable ground of the adversarial and dormant stages. This idea allowed me to realize that the marriage covenant is central to the stages of the marriage life cycle. Without the commitment of marriage, the relationship is nothing. In the adversarial and dormant stages, the covenant is the basic glue that holds the couple together as they learn of each other’s faults. In the vital stage, the marriage covenant is finally realized and a fullness of joy can finally be achieved.